Black Cloud Days

You know those days where you’re not having a bad day, but you can’t muster up positivity? Where you don’t have a flat tire and you’re on time to work, but it’s still a “bad” morning? These days make you feel guilty because life isn’t necessarily bad, but you can’t shake the black cloud that’s following you around, making matters worse. You’re waiting for happiness but the light you’re seeking is nowhere to be found.

Yesterday was a Black Cloud day.

I was productive at work. Nothing inherently bad happened to me… but there are certain things taking place around me that I have no control over. Some are not that big of a deal, but some are very important. And while on paper, I should at the very least be content, I cannot shake the black cloud that comes with the things I can’t control. It’s like I spend the day waiting for something I can’t control to make me happy. And not even doing anything to make that happen.

The weather outside was just as miserable as my mood when I got home from work yesterday. I crawled into bed and I pulled the covers over my head and was determined to sleep from 4:30 pm until forever. Maybe I even cried a little bit because that’s what I do when I feel overwhelmed and like I am losing control of things.

And as I’ve explained to you before, I stopped myself and said, “what are you doing? “.

I got up and grabbed my notebook, (I’ve been doing much better with keeping up with a journal this time around) I made a list of all of the things that are stressing me out or upsetting me. I took a black marker and crossed out all of the things that I cannot control. And I climbed out of bed and got to work on all of the others.

I sent out an email I’d been dreading to reply to.

I completely cleaned out my laundry room because with three boys in the house, it quickly becomes a source of stress for me.

I ate a healthy meal prepped dinner.

Cleaned out my kitchen cabinets and organized everything.

Put laundry away.

Called my mom because I’d been putting that off too.

And as each item got completed, the weight on my shoulders decreased a little bit more.

You can not and never will be able to control everything in your life. You cannot float idyllically through life and expect happiness to land in your lap. You can, however, take control of the things that are within your power and do what is necessary to find just small pieces of happiness.

Let them add up, let the small steps turn into long walks and eventually, you’ll realize the journey isn’t even as bad as you thought.

Confessions of an Ex- Self Destroyer (Finding your Spark)

Flatter tummy… toned legs… big booty… look good in a bikini. GOALS! This was exactly why I started to work out. This was my paltry list of goals. I shake my own head when I recall this, so it’s ok for you to do the same.  But eight years ago, when I found myself 60-70 pounds heavier than my current weight, I was determined only to wear the size 5 I could fit before 3 kids. I was going to look so “fit” it made everyone jealous and I was going to do it by not eating and working out daily, maybe twice a day. What. A. Plan.

It didn’t work, obviously. Not because I didn’t lose weight, I did. It didn’t work because the reason I wanted those things, the whole reason I wanted to look good, and have a flat stomach, the reason I wanted to weigh less, was to feel good about myself. I wanted those things, so that I could feel worthy and valuable.  It was as though, in my mind, every pound lost added to another dollar on my own personal price tag.

Since then, it’s indescribable how my outlook has shifted, and that’s why I want to share this. One of the best things I ever did in relation to my health was to hold myself more accountable in things unrelated to how I look. Throughout the course of a tumultuous few years of life, I reevaluated my priorities and why I wanted to be healthy.

I should note, I don’t mean just my weight. I mean real health; balanced blends of mental, emotional, & physical health that foster an environment of self-love, and allow you to give to others and remain full yourself. It’s the kind of healthy that encompasses everything you do, and guides you to make better choices in every facet of life.

While some painfully challenging things had to happen for me to wake up and say “WHAT AM I DOING HERE?!” it doesn’t have to be that way for everyone.

That is why I am sharing this. These are things that motivate me. These are the things that wake me up at 4:30 am to do yoga or meditate, to plan my day so I can have enough time for a run or hit the gym. They’re why I turn down sweet tea and cake most of the time. These are my sparks. They are the things that ignite a fire in me, even when I don’t understand how I will find the fuel to keep it going.

I encourage you, especially if you’re struggling to stay on track, to find your own sparks, something that has nothing to do with how you look. Something that says YES, You need to be healthy, but you are WORTHY no matter what. Find the reasons that push you that say, I’m doing this BECAUSE I am valuable, not to make me become valuable.

Read that again: take care of yourself and your health because you are already so incredibly valuable, not to make you become valuable.

My reasons?

I want to see where these three amazing boys make it in life. I want to be there to see them drive, graduate, get married, and to babysit my grandbabies. I want to be around as long as possible so they always have their biggest cheerleader in their corner.

I want to have the energy to create and plan and bring amazing things into this world. I want the ability and clarity to handle my career with the relentlessness and ambition of someone who won’t ever give up.

I want to have a high quality of life as I age. I want to be sure that I have done my part to monitor my health so that I stand a fighting chance should there be a day when something I CANNOT control comes my way.

I want to see everything this beautiful, amazing world has to offer.

How can you be bored? How can you be unmotivated in a world as vast and brilliant as this one? Make your spark your focus. Get your priorities together, and get moving. You’re worth more than allowing your own mind to cheat you out of living your best life.

Forward Movement

We aren’t always able to correlate certain feelings in our life with events that are happening. We can’t always instantaneously identify situations that are impacting the way out daily routines shift and change. A negative experience or emotion in one facet of life easily influences other areas and we don’t even realize and When this happens, it’s a natural reaction to feel anxious, overwhelmed, scared and exhausted. I know this because, let’s be honest, I live it frequently.

I am an emotional person. I get teary-eyed when a funeral passes by, regardless of whether I knew the departed or not. I often let TV commercials and shows move me to actual empathy for on-screen personality’s heartbreak or dilemma.

So it was no surprise that the end of a milestone school year for two of my three boys had me in shambles emotionally. My youngest will head into his final year of elementary school next year. My middle son is going to be traversing the awkward, treacherous journey that is middle school; and my oldest heads confidently to high school to pursue a future in one of the interesting fields he’s chosen as a potential career.

For the last three years, I’ve held these pieces together as a single parent on one income. We’ve learned how to become an entirely new family, overcome some of the hardest battles we’ve had to date, and we are tougher, stronger and better for all of it. And I am so unbelievably proud of it. There was just one problem.

I was a freaking wreck about it. I’m well aware that my job as a parent is to enable my children to become productive, caring and successful (using the word “successful” loosely because I do believe success is a relative thing and different for everyone) individuals. It’s my job to ensure there aren’t three extra assholes roaming the planet when they each turn 18. So far, we are on track for all of those things. I should have been excited that I’m accomplishing my goal and that my children are successful.

Really, I am excited about it. But here’s what I have learned. When one facet of my life is out of sequence, when something is changing or uprooting or settling or all of the above it directly impacts my entire life.

Not only do I feel anxious about my children getting older and gaining more independence, but those anxious thoughts bleed over into my work mindset as well. Not only am I overwhelmed at all the coordination required to attend all of the necessary school functions, but that in turn overwhelms me with all of the other commitments that I have.

Circumstances can trigger thoughts. Thoughts cause feelings. Feelings result in actions. And actions cause results. There’s an endless amount of fascinating research regarding thought process and how our mindset influences our actions.

I personally know from experience not only with myself but with other people who I have worked with in training and help coaching that our mind can be our biggest enemy. And this cycle is one of the simplest ways to describe the phenomenon.

The circumstance: my kids are stepping into new grades, schools and experiences.The thoughts: they will have more independence and will be subject to new challenges.The feelings: (here comes the can of worms) I’m frightened because with this newfound independence could come new mistakes, I’m overwhelmed because I’m not sure what to expect either. I’m anxious because I want them to be successful. I feel sad because my kids are that much closer to being on their own. There’s a lot more. We don’t need to go into it. The Actions: Panic. Because that’s exactly what we do when we are overwhelmed and anxious and are not in the right mindset to control it. Maybe over react to small situations because I’m on edge and anxious. (And cry…Because I’m sad)

The result: Pure chaos, disorder and frustration in my life because I’m panicking and on edge.

It is no way to live. So what options do we have? Sure, we can wallow in our self pity. We can make vague social media posts that urge others to say “what’s wrong?”. Or, we can find a solution.

This next part is truly mind blowing. It is so obvious that I can’t believe I haven’t been applying it all along. Take a look at that cycle and how we go from circumstances to results. Now work backwards.

The idea is to change things until you can’t anymore… when I look at what causes the results, It is my actions. Can I change those? Yes, I can. My feelings cause my actions, I can also reign those in. Because my thoughts are what controls my actions. That’s where the buck stops. Because I cannot change the circumstances.

Sometimes you will be able to change the circumstances. Sometimes you will only be able to change your results. But the trick is to find where the gap is in the way you deal with things.

So I take the CIRCUMSTANCES and I change my THOUGHTS but them. I think about it realize how lucky I am to have three amazing kids and I reflect on how hard I’ve worked and how proud I FEEL of myself and my family. This pride motivates me to work harder in the future, and create ACTIONS that will help me flourish in months and years to come. And the RESULTS? You can see where this is going.

Change your thoughts, change your mindset… change your life.