Confessions of an Ex- Self Destroyer (Finding your Spark)

Flatter tummy… toned legs… big booty… look good in a bikini. GOALS! This was exactly why I started to work out. This was my paltry list of goals. I shake my own head when I recall this, so it’s ok for you to do the same.  But eight years ago, when I found myself 60-70 pounds heavier than my current weight, I was determined only to wear the size 5 I could fit before 3 kids. I was going to look so “fit” it made everyone jealous and I was going to do it by not eating and working out daily, maybe twice a day. What. A. Plan.

It didn’t work, obviously. Not because I didn’t lose weight, I did. It didn’t work because the reason I wanted those things, the whole reason I wanted to look good, and have a flat stomach, the reason I wanted to weigh less, was to feel good about myself. I wanted those things, so that I could feel worthy and valuable.  It was as though, in my mind, every pound lost added to another dollar on my own personal price tag.

Since then, it’s indescribable how my outlook has shifted, and that’s why I want to share this. One of the best things I ever did in relation to my health was to hold myself more accountable in things unrelated to how I look. Throughout the course of a tumultuous few years of life, I reevaluated my priorities and why I wanted to be healthy.

I should note, I don’t mean just my weight. I mean real health; balanced blends of mental, emotional, & physical health that foster an environment of self-love, and allow you to give to others and remain full yourself. It’s the kind of healthy that encompasses everything you do, and guides you to make better choices in every facet of life.

While some painfully challenging things had to happen for me to wake up and say “WHAT AM I DOING HERE?!” it doesn’t have to be that way for everyone.

That is why I am sharing this. These are things that motivate me. These are the things that wake me up at 4:30 am to do yoga or meditate, to plan my day so I can have enough time for a run or hit the gym. They’re why I turn down sweet tea and cake most of the time. These are my sparks. They are the things that ignite a fire in me, even when I don’t understand how I will find the fuel to keep it going.

I encourage you, especially if you’re struggling to stay on track, to find your own sparks, something that has nothing to do with how you look. Something that says YES, You need to be healthy, but you are WORTHY no matter what. Find the reasons that push you that say, I’m doing this BECAUSE I am valuable, not to make me become valuable.

Read that again: take care of yourself and your health because you are already so incredibly valuable, not to make you become valuable.

My reasons?

I want to see where these three amazing boys make it in life. I want to be there to see them drive, graduate, get married, and to babysit my grandbabies. I want to be around as long as possible so they always have their biggest cheerleader in their corner.

I want to have the energy to create and plan and bring amazing things into this world. I want the ability and clarity to handle my career with the relentlessness and ambition of someone who won’t ever give up.

I want to have a high quality of life as I age. I want to be sure that I have done my part to monitor my health so that I stand a fighting chance should there be a day when something I CANNOT control comes my way.

I want to see everything this beautiful, amazing world has to offer.

How can you be bored? How can you be unmotivated in a world as vast and brilliant as this one? Make your spark your focus. Get your priorities together, and get moving. You’re worth more than allowing your own mind to cheat you out of living your best life.

Why Grind and Shine?

I have a bad habit of creating this grandiose plan in my head: this goal and dream and idea and it’s going to be AWESOME and NO ONE is going to stop me and I map it out and get started and….

I freak out.

I get scared. I hear negativity directed my way. It doesn’t go as I’d hoped right off the bat. It doesn’t end up as… well, grand as I wanted. People don’t like or “need” what I have, So I back down and I stay quiet so as not to disturb others or humiliate myself. People don’t think what I am doing is what I should be doing with my life. So I quiet my thoughts so as to not make waves.

I’ve gone through a series of changes in my life that have required different levels of confidence, counterbalanced with keeping myself out of the line of fire. I have struggled between wanting to feel and look great while worrying that people are “watching me”. (Not like peeking through the windows watching me, but “hey look, that girl doesn’t know what she’s doing” watching me).

I don’t really know which was harder. When I had less confidence physically, when I was my heaviest weight after my three children were born? Or maybe 3 years ago… when my divorce happened and I felt as though everyone I knew was judging me and watching my every move. Neither were a great feeling. At all.

I spent time during both phases worrying a lot about what others thought of me. I stayed small, stayed quiet about myself and my ideas. My goals, dreams and plans sounded fantastic in my own little world, but when presented to the one outside of my mind, they crumbled, and so did I. I smothered whatever fire I had going, trying to make sure I didn’t burn too brightly, because shining too brightly meant people would look at me. Couldn’t have that, now could we?

So what happened? What flipped the switch? I really don’t know. I DO know that I got tired of stifling myself for the comfort of others. I became very depressed by living solely for the satisfaction and approval of other people. It’s wearisome. It makes you feel inadequate and steals your joy.. it dims your light.

So Slowly, I started to shed the weight of other peoples’ opinions. Now, something important to note here is that I did NOT start disregarding their feelings, I did not start to mistreat people because I wasn’t adhering to THEIR expectations. If anything, I find myself even more caring and patient in dealing with negative people, because I have been there and I understand the cycle. But when I set out for the day, I try my hardest to let my light shine so brightly that other people are warmed and inspired by it too. I try to make sure THEY are positively impacted by me, rather than letting them get to me first.

I simply live MY life on my terms, choosing to shine regardless of how they interpret it.

What’s all this have to do with health coaching? It’s my “why”.  It is the reason I do what I do. I know how it feels to be in a dark, lonely place and how your heart hurts when your light is smothered, whether by your very own breathe or someone else’s. My “why” is to make sure I help as many people as possible find THEIR light.

It is hard. It is challenging. It takes grit, grind, determination and discipline.

Get it??? Grind and Shine!!!

But all the work you put in, all the positive thinking, all the good you put out into the world in the process, creates a ripple effect and little by little, by changing our mind, outlook, bodies and health, we can create something amazing.