Black Cloud Days

You know those days where you’re not having a bad day, but you can’t muster up positivity? Where you don’t have a flat tire and you’re on time to work, but it’s still a “bad” morning? These days make you feel guilty because life isn’t necessarily bad, but you can’t shake the black cloud that’s following you around, making matters worse. You’re waiting for happiness but the light you’re seeking is nowhere to be found.

Yesterday was a Black Cloud day.

I was productive at work. Nothing inherently bad happened to me… but there are certain things taking place around me that I have no control over. Some are not that big of a deal, but some are very important. And while on paper, I should at the very least be content, I cannot shake the black cloud that comes with the things I can’t control. It’s like I spend the day waiting for something I can’t control to make me happy. And not even doing anything to make that happen.

The weather outside was just as miserable as my mood when I got home from work yesterday. I crawled into bed and I pulled the covers over my head and was determined to sleep from 4:30 pm until forever. Maybe I even cried a little bit because that’s what I do when I feel overwhelmed and like I am losing control of things.

And as I’ve explained to you before, I stopped myself and said, “what are you doing? “.

I got up and grabbed my notebook, (I’ve been doing much better with keeping up with a journal this time around) I made a list of all of the things that are stressing me out or upsetting me. I took a black marker and crossed out all of the things that I cannot control. And I climbed out of bed and got to work on all of the others.

I sent out an email I’d been dreading to reply to.

I completely cleaned out my laundry room because with three boys in the house, it quickly becomes a source of stress for me.

I ate a healthy meal prepped dinner.

Cleaned out my kitchen cabinets and organized everything.

Put laundry away.

Called my mom because I’d been putting that off too.

And as each item got completed, the weight on my shoulders decreased a little bit more.

You can not and never will be able to control everything in your life. You cannot float idyllically through life and expect happiness to land in your lap. You can, however, take control of the things that are within your power and do what is necessary to find just small pieces of happiness.

Let them add up, let the small steps turn into long walks and eventually, you’ll realize the journey isn’t even as bad as you thought.

Contentment in the Healing

There are so many reasons a person might need healing beyond the obvious physical ailments. Addiction, dangerous relationships, disordered eating… The list sadly continues.

Personally, my healing is from a toxic, depressive, and dangerous mindset that held me hostage for a very long time. While we may have opened the door to make discussing and sharing a mental illness with others more acceptable, that still does not give one all of the necessary tools to appropriately deal with it.

Having come from an uncomfortably dark place myself, and essentially BY myself because sharing it wouldn’t have been received well, I feel it’s important to get the methods and tools that have been helpful to those of us who have moved forward out there to other people, who may feel “stuck” or alone.

This is a concept that I wish I’d known so much sooner. When you’re working towards shifting your mindset, especially early on, A bad day can feel like failure. You can go for three or four days and think you are back on track and then hit the ground in an emotional implosion on day five. That day five will make you feel like you are at the very beginning again.

That is not the case. Simply the fact that you’re actively working on pulling yourself out of that hole is progress. Every single day that you choose joy, even when it feels impossible, is a victory.

Don’t let the bad days consume you, rather sit with them, accept them and acknowledge them for what they are. Singular, 24 hour time frames where you can start over tomorrow. Finding a middle ground between the good and the bad days is where every day life lives.

Find the beauty and contentment in all of the above.